the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
