I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
