This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
