I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
