apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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