you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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