Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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