the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
