i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize