Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
