i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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