I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
