God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
