Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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