he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
