She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
