Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
