You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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