I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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