chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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