he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
