did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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