38 yer olds are good kisserssss
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize