I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
