as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
