I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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