I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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