Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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