My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
