i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
