I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize