I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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