piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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