New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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