Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
