I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize