Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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