So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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