i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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