My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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