how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My vagina just clenched in fear
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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