When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
