The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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