life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
