good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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