woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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