I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Swine flu is the new snow day.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
