You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
