When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
soo... how was my night?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
