So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
