did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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