My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
