Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
