1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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