i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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