He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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