I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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