dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
