Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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