i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
