So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize