Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
