God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
