oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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