i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
