No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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