Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
