Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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