What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
